The Thing I Was Made For

You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread.
You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words. But most of your friends do not see it at all, and often wonder why, liking this, you should also like that.


Again, you have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody what you have been looking for all your life; and then turned to the friend at your side who appears to be seeing what you saw—but at the first words a gulf yawns between you, and you realise that this landscape means something totally different to him, that he is pursuing an alien vision and cares nothing for the ineffable suggestion by which you are transported.

Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of -- something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat's side?
Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it—tantalising glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear.

But if it should really become manifest—if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself—you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say "Here at last is the thing I was made for". We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work.
While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all.

― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

I'm currently reading this book called The Problem of Pain. I strictly restrict myself to comment anything on this quote, for its beauty is enough and truth cannot be any truer.

"Here at last is the thing I was made for".

Alice

Slave to Beauty

I'm getting right at my point. Girls try way too hard to be beautiful.

Well, I'd be lying if I deny the fact that I never try to be beautiful. Beauty improves our social life and it somehow becomes a part of our pride. It is in fact, something that has been planted since the day we were born. Your pictures are posted everywhere, passed around, not passing without every person's judgement on you. I remember what my older sister told me on my first day of high school, "No matter whether you like it or not, sooner or later, there will be at least a friend of yours who judge you for who you are and what you do. And that's not the worst case. That judgement will spread all over the place, including to the people that you value and love, then will it eventually come back to you and hurt you. Just a brief warning. Don't screw up your first day of high school."

And yes! Those things above are the things we should be aware of, but there are limits on everything we do. We may please others, but we have to constantly remind ourselves of our limits. And sometimes, the most difficult part is not to stand firm despite the stream, but to know these limits—to remember who you are, your thoughts, your beauty, your personalities, your perks and your true self, in the midst of this society that will never be gratified.

What Christians Believe

The Rival Conceptions of God

Let's now talk about what Christians do not have to believe in. If you are a Christian, you do not have to think that other religions are wholly wrong. You are free to think that in all religions in the world, there are hints of truths. While in an atheist's point of view, you do have to think that the whole idea of religion is a huge mistake all through. When you are working on a mathematical problem, there is only one right answer to the problem. However, some wrong answers are nearer to the correct answer to the others.

Humanity is divided into two big categories: the majority who believe in God or gods and the minority who do not. Christianity, Hindus, Greeks belong with the majority. The next big division is Pantheism and Christianity. Pantheism believe that God is beyond good and evil. They believe that is is wise to see whether or not a thing is bad or good in a point of view. For example, cancer is bad, but the doctor who kills cancer would also be bad. It depends on the point of view. Similarly, they would say that God is a God who loves love and hates hate.

Pantheism also believe that God created you according to how He created the universe. And that the universe itself is almost God. If the universe does not exist, so would He. The Christian idea is different. God created the universe just like we painted a picture or composed a piece of music. We are not the painting nor piece of music and we do not die if our creations are destroyed. Our idea of beauty reflects in our painting, and so does God's in His creation. This does not mean that He is the creation itself. We also cannot say some things are bad when we claim that God is good, because these things are a part of God. We must then think that God is separated from the whole creation that we see and that they go against His will. He created things like men made up stories. The stories are great, but they have gone wrong. And God insists men to bring things back to the right track.

And here goes the big questions, "If God is good, then why would He created a world that can go wrong?", "Isn't it much simpler to think that this world was not made by an intelligent power? Why avoid the obvious?" But this thinking lead us to another difficult thought.

Clue to the Meaning of the Universe

The Law of Human Nature

When people quarrel, a person is trying to show that the other person is wrong. In order for this to happen, both of them have to agree on what is Right and Wrong. Just like in a soccer game, we cannot say a player commits a foul if the rule is not agreed by everyone.

This human morality of Right and Wrong is called the Law of Nature. to be more exact, The Law of Human Nature. In modern days, people refer the Law of Nature as the law of gravity, chemistry or heredity. We live by this kind of Law of Nature, our physical body has no freedom of choosing to obey or disobey the rule of gravity. We throw a rock, it falls. We jump up high, we fall back to the ground. We obey the Law of Nature no matter how much we are trying to go against them.

This is very similar to the Law of Human Nature. These laws are also called the Moral Law that all humans agree to. For example, you must not put yourself first before others. True that different cultures might have different morals. One culture says it's Right for a man to marry just one woman, and the other culture says it's Right for a man to marry as many women as he desires. But both cultures have a common morality of men having to marry the woman he likes. the Law of Human Nature is the soccer game's rule that all humans agree to, consciously or unconsciously.

In other words, we are rather "pressed on" by the Law of Human Nature. However, we never truly follow these rule of descent behavior. Even if we do not believe in it, our conscience brings guilt to us when we do not behave decently. Because we cannot help facing the fact of breaking it.

We are left off by two points. Firstly, all humans on this earth have an idea that they should behave in a certain way, and that we have no power against it. Secondly, we always fail to behave in that certain way. We have the ability to know it, but not the ability to practice it. This is a big clue and foundation to the meaning of us and the universe we live in.

Street Musicians

The best things I love while walking in downtown San Francisco are usually odd: Ladies with extraordinarily fancy costume, spray paint artists, a family of confused Asian tourists and most importantly, the street musicians.

What I notice about them is that they never precisely play. However, there is an obvious connection between their emotions and physical movements. Some may call it talent, some may call it trash music, but I call it passion. Music is all about passion, the most important value is your intention of producing music itself. You can play as celestial as you might, if you lack passion, you are no one greater than those street musicians. It never matters whether or not they sound good or educated. As what LV Beethoven said, "To play a wrong note is insignificant, to play without passion is inexcusable".

Summer Memorandum

Dear friends back home,

It has been an awfully long time since I last thought about you. It's unbelievable how things have changed since I left home. I never actually believed what people say about leaving home. The excitement of exploring new places and meeting new friends always come along with the reminiscence of old places and friends. Now I realize that those words cannot be more true. If you guess that this post is all about how things have changed, it's not. I'm writing this more to deliver my late apology and also thanks to each and every one of you. I know I never actually speak from heart to heart to most of my friends, this is because how I act in front of you, might be the opposite of how I judge you in the inside. And from my deepest heart, I apologize for that. I left home carrying hatred and jealousy towards some of you. And as seasons passed, I had been nurturing that hatred and jealousy as well, building an invisible parasite on myself. But as seasons passed, God had taught me important lessons to see how precious you all are. I learn that every life has its own untold stories. Some beautiful, some sad, too sad to  be uttered out of the rooftop. And because of this, no one has the right to judge—neither positively or negatively—another's life.

I heard from my family that things have not been easy back home. I heard fights, deaths and enmities, all happening in the same year. Never assume that I'm here, far away in the land of honey and milk, not caring a thing about what's going on at home. I am struggling here and have a million sides of the story too. Truth is, all my joys and concerns lie on the land where we were raised together. I started there and my soul has not gotten up since then.

The Core of Suffering

Is Suffering a Prerequisite?

"Christianity is always talking about suffering!"
"Christianity is masochism. Why be miserable?"
"Who want to be a suffering servant?"
What is this "suffering" we read so much about?
Is it a necessary part of our life with Christ?

Suffering is a special anguish that comes from the deepest part of us. It isn't pain—for we can have pain and not suffer. It isn't trouble—for we can be in trouble and not suffer. It is the language of the heart or soul that tries to express compassion, loneliness, sorrow, weariness, understanding. Suffering is often too deep for words. Even actions do not really express what we feel.

Suffering is the most intense sign of living—a sign that we are able to respond, to feel, to be more than animated machines. Suffering, perhaps, is the undeniable proof that we are made in the image of God, sensitive to whatever lies athwart His plan for perfection in life.

In this sense, then, yes—a Christian will often suffer... with another person, for the world, because of his own mistakes, at the hands of other people. Living means walking the gamut of life—from joy to suffering and Christ thrusts us into the midst of it. How alive, then, are you?

The Reason

I wake up in the daylight and realized that the blocks I have been building, the small stones I have been collecting, and the life I have been dying for are scattered around.
I'm standing at the dead-end of a tunnel again. Every path I know does not lead to anywhere. And no matter how much I try, my problems never fail to rise and prove themselves that they are greater than I am.

I close all doors and lock the windows,
I thicken my skin and harden my heart,
I silent the laughters and joy around me,
as if they are too offensive or that they reveal your nakedness.
I live life, dream, fail and success alone.
I am the soul of my own body,
I am Fatherless, widowed, lonely,
I am a lost soul.

I have forgotten the reason why I should talk to my Dad. I do not see the purpose of talking to someone whom I cannot see and touch with my flesh. He is just an individual too divine for mere humans to have an intimate relationship with—too perfect to exist.

I have forgotten that He also was once my Lover who brought me surprises, who kept on reminding me that His gifts are made with His love and passion.

People Pleaser

I'm tired of saying yes, just because I'm afraid to say no,
that it affects what I wear, what I eat and how I act.

I'm tired of being boxed in other people's opinions,
that I sometimes forget who I really am.

I'm tired of pleasing everybody,
that I forget of what God's calls are for me.

I'm tired of being used and manipulated.
I'm just a collection of expectations of others.

Plucking Daisies

Do you remember those days of daisies plucking?
You would pluck the petals one by one just to find out whether or not a guy likes you.

He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not.

And if you were not satisfied with the answer, you would ask another daisy and do the same.
If you still were not satisfied with the next answer, you would ask another daisy, again and again.
Two daisies, three daisies, ten daisies, a hundred daisies, until you get the answer that you want.

Well, that's not a very effective way to find out if a guy like you, don't you think?
I understand how much we all hate these uncertainties.
But hey, you could have asked him directly!

Sorry, I know. Silly me. Bad idea.

Eternal Song

"For whoever has will be given more, 

And they will have an abundance. 

Whoever does not have 

Even what they have will be taken from them." 

Matthew 25:29

At times, when others deny or leave us, we feel like we do not own love like we used to anymore. I've heard people say: "Teach me to love again." That would be a misleading statement. Because when people you love leave, love does not go with them. Once you receive love, love remains within you and nobody can take it away from you. We do not learn to love again, we just learn to share the love that we already have possessed.

10 Things I Learn While Studying Abroad

1) The importance of a community
I have always been involved in at least a community or club wherever I go. But there were times when I sunk too deep into my academic work that I abandoned the importance of a community. Blame it on the culture shock and trauma of being far away from home, but it was my mistake to lock myself with my joy and concerns I experienced a solitary life during some time in the year 2012, which eventually led to a great depression. Not until, I get involved in communities around me.

2) Efforts are necessary in all ways
In all ways, I mean in all ways. Back in my highschool, I did not have to suffer to reach good grades, food was always on the table, and I had heavy meals five times a day and was still a skeleton. Now, I have to die to reach at least a B-, I have to cook or at least look for food, and I'd be a pig if I do not commit on my diet schedule.

3) The discovery of my true hobbies
I knew long before that I love to write, sketch, play the piano, and sing, but I never truly appreciate these hobbies until I get a stack of assignments and projects. Now that my schedule is terribly packed, my desire and passion towards what I like to do grow even more.

Reading a Musical Mind

I've known music since I was in my mother's womb. But I never truly fall in love in it. But when I did, I only know two types of people: musicians and non-musicians. When I mean musicians, I do not mean people who earn cheques from music, but people who recognize beauty, who are willing to pursue and appreciate them.

Working as a musician is often considered as a struggling life. A huge challenge of putting food on the table. Society who are more considerate might say that they are suffering because of their art. Then why are musicians doing what they are doing? I never truly understand the reason either. Not until I witness the lives of my musician friends. Then I realize that just when you watch their face when they perform, and know how happy they are with the choice they made for a profession, attend their concerts or recital, and watch their face afterwards when parents come up and tell them how wonderful the concert was, and see how that makes them feel, then, you'll understand why they do what they do.