The Reason

I wake up in the daylight and realized that the blocks I have been building, the small stones I have been collecting, and the life I have been dying for are scattered around.
I'm standing at the dead-end of a tunnel again. Every path I know does not lead to anywhere. And no matter how much I try, my problems never fail to rise and prove themselves that they are greater than I am.

I close all doors and lock the windows,
I thicken my skin and harden my heart,
I silent the laughters and joy around me,
as if they are too offensive or that they reveal your nakedness.
I live life, dream, fail and success alone.
I am the soul of my own body,
I am Fatherless, widowed, lonely,
I am a lost soul.

I have forgotten the reason why I should talk to my Dad. I do not see the purpose of talking to someone whom I cannot see and touch with my flesh. He is just an individual too divine for mere humans to have an intimate relationship with—too perfect to exist.

I have forgotten that He also was once my Lover who brought me surprises, who kept on reminding me that His gifts are made with His love and passion.

People Pleaser

I'm tired of saying yes, just because I'm afraid to say no,
that it affects what I wear, what I eat and how I act.

I'm tired of being boxed in other people's opinions,
that I sometimes forget who I really am.

I'm tired of pleasing everybody,
that I forget of what God's calls are for me.

I'm tired of being used and manipulated.
I'm just a collection of expectations of others.

Plucking Daisies

Do you remember those days of daisies plucking?
You would pluck the petals one by one just to find out whether or not a guy likes you.

He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not.

And if you were not satisfied with the answer, you would ask another daisy and do the same.
If you still were not satisfied with the next answer, you would ask another daisy, again and again.
Two daisies, three daisies, ten daisies, a hundred daisies, until you get the answer that you want.

Well, that's not a very effective way to find out if a guy like you, don't you think?
I understand how much we all hate these uncertainties.
But hey, you could have asked him directly!

Sorry, I know. Silly me. Bad idea.

Eternal Song

"For whoever has will be given more, 

And they will have an abundance. 

Whoever does not have 

Even what they have will be taken from them." 

Matthew 25:29

At times, when others deny or leave us, we feel like we do not own love like we used to anymore. I've heard people say: "Teach me to love again." That would be a misleading statement. Because when people you love leave, love does not go with them. Once you receive love, love remains within you and nobody can take it away from you. We do not learn to love again, we just learn to share the love that we already have possessed.

10 Things I Learn While Studying Abroad

1) The importance of a community
I have always been involved in at least a community or club wherever I go. But there were times when I sunk too deep into my academic work that I abandoned the importance of a community. Blame it on the culture shock and trauma of being far away from home, but it was my mistake to lock myself with my joy and concerns I experienced a solitary life during some time in the year 2012, which eventually led to a great depression. Not until, I get involved in communities around me.

2) Efforts are necessary in all ways
In all ways, I mean in all ways. Back in my highschool, I did not have to suffer to reach good grades, food was always on the table, and I had heavy meals five times a day and was still a skeleton. Now, I have to die to reach at least a B-, I have to cook or at least look for food, and I'd be a pig if I do not commit on my diet schedule.

3) The discovery of my true hobbies
I knew long before that I love to write, sketch, play the piano, and sing, but I never truly appreciate these hobbies until I get a stack of assignments and projects. Now that my schedule is terribly packed, my desire and passion towards what I like to do grow even more.

Reading a Musical Mind

I've known music since I was in my mother's womb. But I never truly fall in love in it. But when I did, I only know two types of people: musicians and non-musicians. When I mean musicians, I do not mean people who earn cheques from music, but people who recognize beauty, who are willing to pursue and appreciate them.

Working as a musician is often considered as a struggling life. A huge challenge of putting food on the table. Society who are more considerate might say that they are suffering because of their art. Then why are musicians doing what they are doing? I never truly understand the reason either. Not until I witness the lives of my musician friends. Then I realize that just when you watch their face when they perform, and know how happy they are with the choice they made for a profession, attend their concerts or recital, and watch their face afterwards when parents come up and tell them how wonderful the concert was, and see how that makes them feel, then, you'll understand why they do what they do.

Perfect Imperfection

Imperfection

You stood blankly facing your own self in the mirror. There was not a single strand of thread on your skin. And your mind was filled with dissatisfaction, exasperation and jealousy. You closed your eyes trying so hard to drive away the images of perfection you create. You have lost your count on how much you've told your friends to be thankful for who they are, yet will you still catch myself mourning on your own self.

You assume that it might be easy for other girls to live a pleasant life with their perfection. Earning good grades at school, being the most beautiful girl in a community, simply living a prima donna life. You might walk on the way home, or sitting at the back seat of a cab or a bus, fighting back your tears. Sometimes you even wonder what brings you to tears. All you know, is that he has chosen her over you, people who aren't trying achieve higher goals, your best friend casts you away. You don't know which part of your doing is so wrong. You don't have the courage to proclaim the beautiful dreams you have to the outside world. And so you hold them back to yourself, keeping them safe in your weary chest, securely locking it. Because those dreams will nakedly reveal your incapabilities and imperfection.